I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
