My cat gives me a boner
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
