I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
