Pappa wants mamma naked
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
