I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
