??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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