Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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