Porn is love you can see.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
