Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
