Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Randomize
