i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
