I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
