I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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