how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Im part way to drunk.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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