if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Someone came in the potted fern
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
