I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
