My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
