I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
