Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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