I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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