I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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