Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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