Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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