You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
