I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Vodka?
Forever.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i think i just lost a toe
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
