Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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