Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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