capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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