Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
