What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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