You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
