I swear she didn't look like that last week.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
