is your mom at the bar?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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