i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
