Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
