i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
