I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
