The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
