i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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