i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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