I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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