Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
