He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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