Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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