I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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