So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
