I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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