I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
