Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
