Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
