just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
