The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
