Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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